The Guilt of not following through..

How saying scr*w the rules has got me my freedom back..

My last email to you was on 28th April. This is a weekly newsletter so “technically” nothing about my newsletter was weekly.

A few years ago not keeping up a work commitment would have crumbled me into a pile of shame, guilt, self-blame, embarrassment and every range of colorful emotion you can think of. Its as if “not doing” what I decided to do is a crime.

I know you have felt this too. This deep shame and cringe every time you couldn’t follow through a routine, a habit, a commitment. Your Inner Critic reminding you of how success starts with a routine and you will never experience any because you cannot commit for the life of you!

No? Was it only my Inner Critic? Alright.

Anyway, I want to talk about 2 things with you today

• Who would you be without your shame and guilt for not following through?

• Tracing the source of your shame

  Who are you without your shame and guilt?

  Have you ever wondered how would it feel like to not feel any shame and guilt? If not, take a minute to picture it in your head and say the feeling out loud

I am guessing most of you would feel “Free”. Some of you would say peace, freedom, blissful, joy, etc. Basically you would feel “light”

The baggage of guilt and shame is the heaviest.

Do you know why you start something, stop it in the middle but never really go back again even if deep in your heart you know you want to? Or even if you do want to start- the guilt and shame of leaving it before weighs on you like a truck?

Its because you think leaving something in the middle is something to feel bad about. Something to be ashamed of. Something that tells you that you are not really meant for it. That you are not disciplined. That you don’t honor your commitments.

But have you ever felt that about ice cream? If you quit eating vanilla ice cream and start eating it after a couple months again- would you have any judgement about yourself?

I am guessing not. Then why the guilt and judgement when you leave exercising, meditation, the habit of reading, etc.? Why cannot it be something you can simply pick up again without making a huge-ass judgement about yourself?

Here is why: Guilt and shame is social conditioning. When we are told over and over again that some vague idea of “discipline” is awesome and the opposite of it is horrible- you will learn to judge it that way. You will internalize these judgements and use it on yourself every single time you don’t confirm with the society’s definition of “discipline”.

And to that I say- B*llshit.

Every single thing you feel guilty and ashamed about- is learnt guilt and shame. Its borrowed from somewhere. Parents, friends, colleagues, social media, the whole sham of “productivity” influencers, etc.

You could have picked this shame and guilt from any source.

As a child when you are born into this world- you do not know the feeling of guilt or shame. Over a period of time it is fed to you by your family, friends, relatives, teachers, society, etc.

Do you know why I couldn’t write my Newsletter for the past few months? Well honestly- I had a lot on my plate. And after a while I just forgot.

If I go by the guilt and shame I am supposed to feel according to the “social media experts/hackers/horse riders” who preach that you will lose out on subscribers, possible revenue, etc.- I would never be able to do anything in life.

I would never be able to write these lovely, lengthy newsletters to 60 odd people who read it. Because I would be drowning in my own guilt.

I AM CHOOSING TO REJECT THE GUILT AND SHAME THAT OTHER PEOPLE FEEL THAT I SHOULD FEEL

And because I choose freedom for my business, I am able to resume my newsletter as and when I please.

Now some of you may say “dIsCiPlInE is NeCeSsArY”. Yes it is but not when the other alternative is guilt or shame. Never.

We have grown up with so many rules of how “we should or shouldn’t” lead our lives- we have forgotten that its OUR LIVES. We get to make the rules.

Which brings me to the second point

Where did you learn your shame and guilt from?

Our society thrives on Fear. Fear of Failure, Fear of missing out, Fear of being poor, Fear of being rich, Fear of being successful. You name anything and society will come up with a fear.

Most “successful” people are also driven by their own fears so we all have collectively normalized it. After all, if fear leads to success then that’s what we all should feel, right?

We have normalized this state of worry, restlessness, ambition fueled by insecurity to an extent that people feel worried when they are in a state of contentment.

Have you ever stopped and asked yourself- “What is the point of all this? Whose rules am I trying to confirm to every time I feel bad?

I have found the answer to this after spending many moons questioning every single aspect of my identity. (Context: I used to be a typical Type A Workaholic who took pride in my hustle)

We start to learn the rigid idea of Good and Bad from our Parents. They are the first and the strongest model of the World for us. And then later on everyone else comes. The more we let the rules of others define our life- the more guilt and shame we invite in our lives.

Here is an activity for you- All the things you feel guilty and ashamed about- where did you learn it from? For ex: Where did you learn that not being disciplined is a bad thing?

Once you trace it- write to me- What did you find out?

At the end of the day, I know that there is no rulebook to my life. Just like yours. And if there are no rules, why the guilt and shame?

Love, Riyanshi