Are you in the jail of "I should"?
The jail of "shoulds" and how to avoid it
What feelings come up when you hear the word “should”?
If you googled what the word “should” means- it would show results like “things that are appropriate to do”, things that are “obligations”, things that you feel you “need to” do it.
What about when you hear phrases like “I should have”, “I should do it”, “I should have known better”. What feelings come up in your body when you hear these statements?
Most probably it would be of: Regret, Constriction, Fear and Guilt. It is because that is what a “should” represents. It represent obligation. Something we “have to” do it instead of “want to” do it.
The word “Should” represents the bars of the jail we keep ourselves in that reminds us of our limitations. And its a self created jail. The more “shoulds” you have in life, the more bars of jail you surround yourself with.
Imagine life is a huge lush playground. There is green grass everywhere. There is a beautiful sunrise on the horizon, there are dandelions everywhere, the cold wind is soothing your face, you feel so free and so abundant because this entire playground is for you!
In a distance you can see the love of your life standing- waiting for you. On the right side you can see the money you dream about waiting for you on the table. On the left you see the career you have always wanted waiting for you to step into.
You just have to grab it. You can just go and take it. But then suddenly your thoughts tell you:
“I should have a 6 figure income before I can confess my love to him/her”
“I should have the masters degree before I can ask for that kind of money”
“I should be more qualified, more experienced, more financial stability to have that career”
And every “should” that you think of- a big black rod comes from the sky and stumps itself in the ground and blocks the view. The more the shoulds, the more number of bars surround you. And suddenly- its all black bars. You cannot see the beautiful playground anymore. The love of your life seems miles away, the money and the career seems too far; all you see are black rods surrounding you.
Should statements are a common negative thinking pattern, or cognitive distortion, that can contribute to feelings of fear and worry. They also put unreasonable demands and pressure on ourselves, which can make us feel guilty or like we've failed.
But where does this type of thinking come from?
This “should” jail is a result of the capitalistic and patriarchal system we have grown up in that forces us to tie our self worth with “how much we know” and “how much we have achieved”.
It has contaminated us to only dream if we have done something big already or if we have a “professional” degree or if we come from money.
It tell us that we can only dream of success if we are worthy of it and this “worth” come from their systems of- degrees, certifications, stamps and accreditations.
The system is designed by those who benefit from this kind of thinking. Those who want us to shell millions for degree, certifications and more “validation” surrounding stuff to gatekeep our dreams and ambitions from us.
When in reality- we are born out of nature. And nature has NO SUCH RULES. It does not discriminate based on how much money, degrees, certificates or experience you have before giving you its sunlight.
So, how do you come out of this “should” jail?
Write down all the things that you think you “should” know, have done, have known, etc.
And then examine- who has given you these contaminated thoughts? Which advertisement did you read? What relative told you this? What colleague, friend or partner, parent gave you this limiting belief?
When you have the awareness, allow yourself to give that belief back to who it came from. They are a victim of systemic thinking.
You aren’t because you read my newsletters ;)
Love
Riyanshi
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